1. A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies,
“I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Credit: Debby Carter
2. A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First.
“What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.
“It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”
Credit: Jeremy Hone
3. A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.”
Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted.
He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says: “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
Credit: Harry Nelson
4. Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.
Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
Credit: Alan Lynch
5. A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him:
“How long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies: “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
Credit: Braeden Silvermist